Saturday, July 16, 2011

Dear Christian,

I wrote this for 5 minute Friday with The Gypsy Mama, but it took wee bit more time to write than the "allotted" amount. :-) The prompt this week was "Loss."

My dearest Little Christian,

It was a month ago Thursday that I lost you, that my body broke and you went to be with Jesus. A month ago since life changed completely.

I've thought of you so very often since then--the little boy that your daddy and I loved so very much. I think of you when I walk into my bedroom and see the sign I posted all those months ago on the wall behind our bed, the evening I first told your daddy that you were on the way. I like the sign so much I can't bear to take it down. It says, "We Love you, Daddy!" And I hung it with pink and blue hearts and streamers (because we weren't sure whether you would be a boy or a girl).

Even though I miss you so very much, I have enjoyed thinking about what you are doing now. I wonder what you have learned? Has God taken you through all the AMAZING events He orchestrated in history, the ones I never got to tell you about? It would be so much better, I think, to see them before hearing about them--when you don't know at first how the story ends and have to watch it unfold. In heaven can you watch as God parts the Red Sea for Moses? Do you wait with baited breath to see what happens when Daniel is thrown in the Lions den--or his three friends into the fiery furnace? (and while you watch, can they watch with you? because I think that would be pretty neat--like an old family video too good to be allowed to collect dust)

It would be different watching from Heaven, I think--because here on earth there is a fear of dying, or at least, the feeling that the story ends "better" if the hero/heroine DOESN'T go to heaven, but lives. I think if you were watching from heaven, while the story would still be suspenseful, either ending would be rejoiced at. Either it is a record of God's amazing intervention, or a record of a precious saint's home coming. From heaven's perspective that's win-win, right?

I wonder sometimes what you're doing and who you have talked to or met. A friend of mine lost her husband a year ago--he met you before I did. Grandmother would have also. I also wonder what exactly you look like. Do you look more like me, or like your daddy? Is it a little of both? Or do glorified bodies not work like that?

Christian, even though it has hurt to never be able to see you, never be able to carry you to term, never hold you or take pictures of you--I am amazed by how truly GOOD God was to take you. I don't know why He did, and I don't think I would have chosen it for myself, but I can still praise Him for it--and so can you, but in person. I can imagine that right now. I wonder if you, our eldest son, will be the one to introduce me to Jesus?

Because I think that would be just perfect.

Your Mama


  1. Awww...such a touching post. My mom had a miscarriage last year after having had ten children (I'm the oldest). So I've thought about that a lot lately. It's never easy, is it? Thanks for being real and sharing your heart in your writing. May you continue to find healing in God...even if you hurt about it for the rest of your life.

  2. I loved this today. Loss is never easy. I am so sorry for yours today. I loved what you wrote about it though and hope and pray for your healing and peace during this time of sorrow.